It's nice to be back... sort of back, anyways.
So many ideas in my head. So many things to catch up with. I guess I'll just have to take it easy coming back to my blog. Now, the coming back to my senses didn't really hapen, much to the disappointment of dh (hehe!).
In any event, here I am again. I breath in deeply. Try to really take in all the air into my lungs (Todo a Pulmon!), and really feel it. I AM ALIVE. Don't just acknowledge it! FEEL it! I AM FINE. It's ok. I am fine. I will be fine.
I guess I shouldn't try to come back and Blog the day I'm fighting back a panic attack. I hate the feeling. I've been having this one since Wednesday, and it's lasting a little too long. Maybe I shouldn't even talk about this here. Too public of a forum. Too scary to lay myself emotionally naked here. But then again, this is part of who I am, and only people I really care about know of the existence of this blog.
I started having panic attacks in 1996. I didn't know what was happenning to me. I thought I was having a heart attack and ended up at the ER, where they just knocked me to sleep. Two times this happened over the years, until I learned about the term panic attack. I guess it doesn't matter how much it is explained to me that it's just another illness, just like a cold is, or diabetes, I still feel that people would look at me like I'm a nutcase. My parents certainly do. They don't believe all this nonsense about depression or panic attacks. They think I just became "too sophisticated and refined" (of course, they say it mockingly), and now have a therapist of my own...
It's kind of funny how my body develops this defense mechanism when my mind feels overwhealmed with my fears. I start feeling the dizziness and the sensation of not being inside my body. Weird. Then, the sort of tinglying in the back of my neck, going up to the base of my head, reaching my ears. Ok, it's there now. Feels like a blockage of sorts that prevents blood from going to my head. It's difficult to concentrate. I start making stupid mistakes (what's your name, Monica?). I keep ignoring it, try to blow it off, but it doesn't go away. The tensing of the muscles of my shoulders. Then, the sound starts bothering me. I hear the keyboard blasting inside my head, ten times louder. Makes me nervous and I start jittering.
The phone rings (well, yeah! That's what I'm doing now, answering phones, getting the info for translating jobs! Hello there???). It startles me, and I answer. Concentrate, darn it! I can do this. Call waiting. I panic. Breath. Breath, darn it! Sound as cheery as usual. Apologize for being slow today, just the coffee not kickin' in yet. Make a joke about it. They laugh back. Business as usual.
I feel so hot. Open the window. Then I'm so cold, I'm shaking. Close it. Repeat. My legs hurt. Now I feel like I can't breath very well. Just a little more, almost time to end the work day...
Time to get the kids. Brian's home. He knows. I've been IMing him. He wants to hug me. No. I can't stand being touched right now. It's so darn difficult to keep this balancing act. The kids can't see me like this. I won't let them see it. So I move slow, don't make sudden moves. Turning my head fast can send the whole room spinning.
We go out to eat. I have this plastic smile on my face. Concentrate, listen to the kids. Coco is telling me about her day, brother (Cesar) is singing to Connor. Daddy is trying to distract them. Thank you, my guardian angel. I'm trying to goof around with the kids, they think I'm funny. We say prayer and eat. I hold Connor. For some reason, that brings some "grounding". I feel more serene now, a kind of security of sorts. Now I don't want to put him down. I'm concentrating on feeding him. Good thing we came out, otherwise I would've rolled into a fetal position on the floor of my room. We made it through dinner.
Come back home, concentrate again on writting stuff, finishing translations. Find friends online, concentrate on that. I'm not sure they can tell I'm slower than usual, I'm not getting the jokes, mine are not all understood. Shaking my legs helps a little. I concentrate some more and feel a little better again. I don't want to go to bed. I'm not sure if the panick attack is getting better or not, I'm still kind of numb. I know what's coming, very likely. But I have to try to sleep. I need some rest, I haven't been sleeping well lately (should've known!).
We lay in bed. Brian is very still, trying to make me feel his support. Poor thing, he has a bad sinus allergy going on... In bed, all these images come to my brain in rapid succesion, they're assaulting my brain. I have to use all my strenght and concentration to relax (what a concept!!!). Start breathing exercises. It's only my body. It's not me, not who I am. This is only passing through my body. It's ok, Paula, don't be so afraid. It WILL pass, too. You'll survive it again. You won't remember later. Concentrate. No, you are not crazy. your brain cells are just not communicating very well, that's all. Not really working, but helps me from giving into the ever-so-urgent need to go into fetal position. For some reason, it makes me feel secure, roll my body on the ground and close my eyes. I can't sleep, of course, but at least I'm resting and concentrating on convincing myself that I will make it, and I can do this.
Get out of bed, feed Connor, again helps to feel better. Come here, concentrate on these words. Sometimes it feels like these ramblings help a little, some others they're just no use. Coco comes and sees the screen "Wow, mommy, that's a lot of scrapbooking you're doing!". But well, of course! She still doesn't know how to distinguish when I'm scrappin' and when I'm just trying to convince myself I'm not losing my mind. Hope she never will.
Brian's gone now, so I better start concentrating again on "real" life (what is that, again? what's "normal", somebody, please????). Kids need to be dressed, breakfast needs to be served, kids need to go to school and daycare... ok, way too much right now. Just concentrate on finishing this rambling and not feeling dizzy.
Oh, man, do I sound like a whimp!
Before I go, this LO was started last September, and I just finished it three days ago. First complete one I do (with pics and all). Not sure when I'll be able to do another one. These things can last anywhere from a day or two, to a week or two, not as intense, but still not helping my inspirational blockage...
In any event, here I am again. I breath in deeply. Try to really take in all the air into my lungs (Todo a Pulmon!), and really feel it. I AM ALIVE. Don't just acknowledge it! FEEL it! I AM FINE. It's ok. I am fine. I will be fine.
I guess I shouldn't try to come back and Blog the day I'm fighting back a panic attack. I hate the feeling. I've been having this one since Wednesday, and it's lasting a little too long. Maybe I shouldn't even talk about this here. Too public of a forum. Too scary to lay myself emotionally naked here. But then again, this is part of who I am, and only people I really care about know of the existence of this blog.
I started having panic attacks in 1996. I didn't know what was happenning to me. I thought I was having a heart attack and ended up at the ER, where they just knocked me to sleep. Two times this happened over the years, until I learned about the term panic attack. I guess it doesn't matter how much it is explained to me that it's just another illness, just like a cold is, or diabetes, I still feel that people would look at me like I'm a nutcase. My parents certainly do. They don't believe all this nonsense about depression or panic attacks. They think I just became "too sophisticated and refined" (of course, they say it mockingly), and now have a therapist of my own...
It's kind of funny how my body develops this defense mechanism when my mind feels overwhealmed with my fears. I start feeling the dizziness and the sensation of not being inside my body. Weird. Then, the sort of tinglying in the back of my neck, going up to the base of my head, reaching my ears. Ok, it's there now. Feels like a blockage of sorts that prevents blood from going to my head. It's difficult to concentrate. I start making stupid mistakes (what's your name, Monica?). I keep ignoring it, try to blow it off, but it doesn't go away. The tensing of the muscles of my shoulders. Then, the sound starts bothering me. I hear the keyboard blasting inside my head, ten times louder. Makes me nervous and I start jittering.
The phone rings (well, yeah! That's what I'm doing now, answering phones, getting the info for translating jobs! Hello there???). It startles me, and I answer. Concentrate, darn it! I can do this. Call waiting. I panic. Breath. Breath, darn it! Sound as cheery as usual. Apologize for being slow today, just the coffee not kickin' in yet. Make a joke about it. They laugh back. Business as usual.
I feel so hot. Open the window. Then I'm so cold, I'm shaking. Close it. Repeat. My legs hurt. Now I feel like I can't breath very well. Just a little more, almost time to end the work day...
Time to get the kids. Brian's home. He knows. I've been IMing him. He wants to hug me. No. I can't stand being touched right now. It's so darn difficult to keep this balancing act. The kids can't see me like this. I won't let them see it. So I move slow, don't make sudden moves. Turning my head fast can send the whole room spinning.
We go out to eat. I have this plastic smile on my face. Concentrate, listen to the kids. Coco is telling me about her day, brother (Cesar) is singing to Connor. Daddy is trying to distract them. Thank you, my guardian angel. I'm trying to goof around with the kids, they think I'm funny. We say prayer and eat. I hold Connor. For some reason, that brings some "grounding". I feel more serene now, a kind of security of sorts. Now I don't want to put him down. I'm concentrating on feeding him. Good thing we came out, otherwise I would've rolled into a fetal position on the floor of my room. We made it through dinner.
Come back home, concentrate again on writting stuff, finishing translations. Find friends online, concentrate on that. I'm not sure they can tell I'm slower than usual, I'm not getting the jokes, mine are not all understood. Shaking my legs helps a little. I concentrate some more and feel a little better again. I don't want to go to bed. I'm not sure if the panick attack is getting better or not, I'm still kind of numb. I know what's coming, very likely. But I have to try to sleep. I need some rest, I haven't been sleeping well lately (should've known!).
We lay in bed. Brian is very still, trying to make me feel his support. Poor thing, he has a bad sinus allergy going on... In bed, all these images come to my brain in rapid succesion, they're assaulting my brain. I have to use all my strenght and concentration to relax (what a concept!!!). Start breathing exercises. It's only my body. It's not me, not who I am. This is only passing through my body. It's ok, Paula, don't be so afraid. It WILL pass, too. You'll survive it again. You won't remember later. Concentrate. No, you are not crazy. your brain cells are just not communicating very well, that's all. Not really working, but helps me from giving into the ever-so-urgent need to go into fetal position. For some reason, it makes me feel secure, roll my body on the ground and close my eyes. I can't sleep, of course, but at least I'm resting and concentrating on convincing myself that I will make it, and I can do this.
Get out of bed, feed Connor, again helps to feel better. Come here, concentrate on these words. Sometimes it feels like these ramblings help a little, some others they're just no use. Coco comes and sees the screen "Wow, mommy, that's a lot of scrapbooking you're doing!". But well, of course! She still doesn't know how to distinguish when I'm scrappin' and when I'm just trying to convince myself I'm not losing my mind. Hope she never will.
Brian's gone now, so I better start concentrating again on "real" life (what is that, again? what's "normal", somebody, please????). Kids need to be dressed, breakfast needs to be served, kids need to go to school and daycare... ok, way too much right now. Just concentrate on finishing this rambling and not feeling dizzy.
Oh, man, do I sound like a whimp!
Before I go, this LO was started last September, and I just finished it three days ago. First complete one I do (with pics and all). Not sure when I'll be able to do another one. These things can last anywhere from a day or two, to a week or two, not as intense, but still not helping my inspirational blockage...
Ok, I really am hating my whiney self today. We'll see what fascinating things I discover about my body, my mind and my kids today. It'll be fine. I'll never again write about this. Nobody needs to hear these kinds of things.
Comments
Here's what I can say about this very personal blog you did today.. you are one person who is VERY MUCH in tune with herself! In tune with you mind, your body and spirit.
Don't be embarrased by the things that plague you, you have always overcome them and always will.
I can honestly say that maybe your humor is your way of dealing with it, I happen to think you are a very funny person and that is now my perception. I stand by my word!! ;-)
xoxo!!!